Apple Cider Caramels -- The Gift That Comes From Your Kitchen and Your Heart

Mason's school Christmas concert was Tuesday. He sang "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "Silent Night" with his first-grade class. He found me in the audience and waved — big, two-handed, unself-conscious — and I waved back, and the woman next to me said, "Is that your son?" and I said, "Yes," and she said, "He has a beautiful voice," and whether this is true or not (it is average at best, a perfectly serviceable child voice with no particular distinction), I will carry this compliment in my pocket for the rest of my life.

Lily's preschool had a winter party on Thursday. She wore a reindeer headband and performed a "dance" with her classmates that consisted primarily of spinning in circles and occasionally falling over. It was the finest choreography I have ever witnessed. Rosa took photos. I cried, because I cry at school events now, it is my signature move, and at this point the other parents expect it.

Mom called to coordinate Christmas. She and Dad are staying in Twin Falls — Dad isn't up for the drive, and Mom doesn't want to leave him alone on Christmas. We'll drive to Twin Falls the weekend after Christmas for a late celebration. Kyle is coming home — actually coming home, on leave, for the first time in two years. He arrives December 28. The whole family will be in Twin Falls for New Year's. All four Dawson kids. Lukas (Kyle's son, now 11 months) will meet the Idaho family for the first time.

I am trying not to think about December 23, when I hand the kids to Scott and drive home to an empty house on Christmas Eve. I am trying not to think about it because thinking about it makes me feel a specific, acidic grief that serves no purpose. The kids will be fine. Scott will manage. I will survive two days alone. I have survived worse things than a quiet Christmas. But the quiet will be loud in a way that chemo nausea and divorce papers were not, because those things had instructions and protocols, and spending Christmas alone has no protocol. There is no manual for sitting in an empty house while your children open presents somewhere else.

I made a batch of hot cocoa mix from scratch — cocoa, powdered sugar, powdered milk, miniature marshmallows, stored in a mason jar with a ribbon. I made six jars: one for us, one for Brett and Claire, one for Carol, one for Dr. Pham, one for Jamie, one for Rosa. Christmas gifts from the kitchen, because my budget is "vet tech with two children" and my love language is "things I made with my hands." Each jar came with a tag: "Homemade Hot Cocoa — Love, Heather." It's not much. But it's from my kitchen, and my kitchen is the truest place I know.

The hot cocoa jars got made first — simple, warm, and exactly right for the people on my list — but I had caramel on my mind all week, because some years the holidays call for something a little more than a ribbon on a jar. Apple Cider Caramels are the kind of thing I make when I want to give something that took real attention, real time, the kind of gift that says I stood at my stove and thought about you. This Christmas, with Kyle coming home and Lukas meeting the Idaho family and two quiet days ahead of me that I’m trying not to dread, making something with my hands feels like the most honest thing I can do.

Apple Cider Caramels

Prep Time: 10 minutes | Cook Time: 40 minutes | Total Time: 50 minutes + 2 hours cooling | Servings: approximately 40 caramels

Ingredients

• 2 cups fresh apple cider
• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into pieces, plus more for the pan
• 1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
• 1/4 cup light corn syrup
• 1/4 cup packed light brown sugar
• 1 teaspoon cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
• 1 teaspoon flaky sea salt, for topping

Instructions

1. Reduce the cider. Pour the apple cider into a medium heavy-bottomed saucepan over medium-high heat. Bring to a boil and cook, stirring occasionally, until reduced to about 1/3 cup, approximately 15–18 minutes. The cider should be thick and syrupy. Remove from heat and set aside.
2. Prepare your pan. Butter an 8×8-inch baking dish generously and line with parchment paper, leaving overhang on two sides. Butter the parchment as well. Set aside.
3. Combine the caramel base. In a large heavy-bottomed saucepan, combine the heavy cream, butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar, corn syrup, and the reduced apple cider. Stir over medium heat until the butter melts and the sugars dissolve completely.
4. Cook to temperature. Attach a candy thermometer to the pan. Increase heat to medium-high and bring the mixture to a boil without stirring. Cook until the caramel reaches 248°F (firm ball stage), about 15–20 minutes. Watch carefully — caramel can go from perfect to burnt quickly.
5. Add spices and vanilla. Remove the pan from heat immediately. Stir in the cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, and vanilla extract. The mixture will bubble up briefly — stir until smooth.
6. Pour and set. Carefully pour the hot caramel into the prepared pan. Do not scrape the bottom of the pot. Sprinkle the top evenly with flaky sea salt. Let cool at room temperature for at least 2 hours, or until fully set.
7. Cut and wrap. Lift the caramel slab out of the pan using the parchment overhang. Use a sharp knife (lightly buttered if needed) to cut into approximately 1-inch squares. Wrap each caramel in a small square of wax paper, twisting the ends. Layer into a tin or mason jar for gifting.

Nutrition (per serving, 1 caramel)

Calories: 78 | Protein: 0g | Fat: 4g | Carbs: 11g | Fiber: 0g | Sodium: 58mg