Apple Cider Roast Chicken — The Sunday I Said “I’m Back”

Two more Mondays. Two more infusions. Two more bags of Taxol dripping into my veins while I sit in a recliner and read a book and pretend I'm not counting the drops. I am counting the drops. I am counting everything — the infusions remaining, the days until my scan, the millimeters of hair on my head (half an inch now, curly, dark, undeniable). I am a woman who counts because counting means the numbers are getting smaller and smaller numbers mean this is ending and ending means I survived.

I had a conversation with Dr. Reyes on Monday about what happens after chemo. She laid out the plan: a scan four weeks after the last infusion, then follow-up appointments every three months for the first two years, every six months for the next three years, then annually. Blood work. Mammograms. The ongoing surveillance of a body that once tried to kill itself. She said the word "remission" and I held it in my mouth like a prayer, not quite ready to say it out loud, not quite ready to believe it, but willing to hold it there and wait.

Scott was away this weekend — "training," he said, which could mean actual firefighter training or could mean something else, and I have reached the point where I don't ask. I don't ask because the answer doesn't change what I'm going to do, which is take care of my children and finish my chemo and recover and then, when I have the strength, deal with the marriage. The marriage will keep. Cancer doesn't keep. You deal with the thing that can kill you first.

I took the kids to the park on Saturday. The first park trip since before the diagnosis. Mason ran — full speed, arms pumping, feet slapping the gravel — and Lily followed him, shrieking, because Lily follows Mason everywhere and shrieking is her natural state. I sat on a bench with Hank and watched my children run and felt the sun on my face and the cold bench under me and the weight of Hank against my leg, and I thought: six months ago I was on a kitchen floor wondering if I was going to die. Today I am on a park bench watching my children run. The distance between the floor and the bench is immeasurable. It is the distance of a lifetime.

Brett called on Sunday. He said he and Claire are talking about moving in together. Big step for Brett — he's lived alone since his early twenties, fiercely independent, and the idea of sharing his space with another person is both exciting and terrifying. He asked if I thought it was a good idea. I said, "Do you love her?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Then it's a good idea." Simple. Sometimes the answer is that simple.

I made a roast chicken on Sunday — whole bird, butter under the skin, lemon and garlic in the cavity, roasted at 425 until the skin was crispy and the juices ran clear. It's the first whole bird I've roasted since before the diagnosis, and the act of it — salting the chicken, tying the legs, sliding it into the oven — felt like coming home to myself. The kitchen was warm and the windows were steamed and the house smelled like every Sunday dinner I've ever made, and when I pulled it from the oven, golden and fragrant and perfect, I said out loud, to no one, to the kitchen, to myself: "I'm back." And I was.

That roast chicken Sunday felt like a door opening back into myself — and once I was through it, I didn’t want to stop cooking. The next day I wanted to keep that momentum, that warmth, but do something that felt like fall rather than a repeat, so I turned to a recipe I’d been sitting on for months: a whole chicken braised in apple cider with caramelized apples, sweet and savory and exactly right for the season I’m in. Here’s how I made it.

Apple Cider Chicken with Caramelized Apples

Prep Time: 20 minutes | Cook Time: 1 hour 20 minutes | Total Time: 1 hour 40 minutes | Servings: 4–6

Ingredients

• 1 whole chicken (4 to 5 lbs), patted dry
• 4 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened, divided
• 1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt, plus more to taste
• 3/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 1 teaspoon fresh thyme leaves (or 1/2 teaspoon dried)
• 1 lemon, halved
• 4 garlic cloves, smashed, divided
• 1 cup fresh-pressed apple cider
• 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
• 1 tablespoon brown sugar
• 2 medium apples (Honeycrisp or Fuji), cored and cut into 3/4-inch wedges
• 1 medium yellow onion, cut into wedges
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• Fresh thyme sprigs, for garnish (optional)

Instructions

1. Preheat and prep. Preheat your oven to 425°F. Let the chicken sit at room temperature for 20 minutes while the oven heats — this helps it cook evenly.
2. Butter the bird. In a small bowl, mix 3 tablespoons of the softened butter with the thyme, 1 teaspoon salt, and 1/2 teaspoon pepper. Using your fingers, carefully loosen the skin over the breast and thighs and rub the butter mixture directly under the skin. Rub any remaining butter over the outside of the bird.
3. Season the cavity. Squeeze one lemon half into the cavity, then place both lemon halves, 3 smashed garlic cloves, and a pinch of salt inside the cavity. Tie the legs together with kitchen twine and tuck the wing tips under the body.
4. Make the cider glaze. In a small saucepan over medium heat, combine the apple cider, apple cider vinegar, brown sugar, and remaining garlic clove. Simmer for 8–10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the glaze reduces by about half and coats the back of a spoon. Set aside.
5. Prep the pan. In a large cast-iron skillet or roasting pan, toss the apple wedges and onion wedges with the olive oil, remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt, and remaining 1/4 teaspoon pepper. Spread them out in an even layer. Nestle the chicken on top, breast-side up.
6. Roast. Roast at 425°F for 30 minutes. Brush generously with the cider glaze, then continue roasting for another 40–50 minutes, brushing with glaze once more halfway through, until the skin is deep golden and crispy and a thermometer inserted into the thickest part of the thigh reads 165°F. The juices should run clear.
7. Rest and serve. Transfer the chicken to a cutting board and let it rest for 10–15 minutes before carving. While the chicken rests, return the pan to the oven for 5 more minutes to caramelize the apples further. Serve the carved chicken over the caramelized apples and onions, with pan juices spooned over the top. Garnish with fresh thyme if desired.

Nutrition (per serving)

Calories: 480 | Protein: 38g | Fat: 26g | Carbs: 18g | Fiber: 2g | Sodium: 520mg