Baked French Toast Muffins -- The Kitchen That Was Functioning

Kristin called on Sunday. From New York, where it was probably nine o'clock and she was probably still at her desk because Kristin doesn't have hours, she has a career that eats hours like a machine. She said, "How are you doing, Mandy?" I said, "I'm okay." She said, "You don't have to say you're okay." I said, "I know. I'm saying it anyway." She paused — Kristin pauses the way lawyers pause, strategically — and then she said, "I looked into grief counseling resources. I can send you some links." I said, "I have a counselor." She said, "These are better ones." That's Kristin. She loves you by researching better options for the thing you already have. I didn't take the links. But I saved the voicemail she left afterward, the one where she dropped the lawyer voice and just said, "I miss you. I wish I could fix this. Call me whenever."

Halloween is next week and the neighborhood is decorated — inflatable skeletons and fake cobwebs and those purple string lights that go up in October and don't come down until Thanksgiving. The Papalardo house has nothing up. Last year Mrs. Papalardo put out pumpkins. Jess carved one with a face that looked like it was screaming and we laughed about it for an hour. I can see the front porch from my window. No pumpkins. No lights. Just a dark house with a woman inside it who lost more than I did and I still haven't gone over because I am a coward and a bad friend and also I am twenty-one years old and I don't know how to sit across from Jess's mother and not fall apart.

I baked on Tuesday. Not anything ambitious — a box of Jiffy cornbread mix, the kind that costs eighty-nine cents and requires one egg and a third cup of milk. I made it because the house smelled like nothing and I needed it to smell like something. Cornbread baking smells like kitchens that are functioning, and I needed to believe this kitchen was functioning even if the person in it barely is. I ate two pieces warm with butter. Dad ate the rest when he came home. He said, "You bake this?" I said yes. He said, "Good." Kowalczyk men. Two syllables of approval. That's the whole review.

Dr. Perkins wants me to start thinking about January. About going back to NIU. I said I'd think about it. I'm not ready to think about it. I'm ready to make cornbread and eat soup and go to Saturday meetings and sleep ten hours a night and that's it. That's all I have. She said that's enough for now. I'm choosing to believe her.

The cornbread worked because it was easy and it smelled right and it didn’t ask anything of me. These baked French toast muffins are the same kind of recipe — the kind you make not because you planned to, but because the eggs are there and the bread is going stale and you need something warm in the oven. They come out golden and a little custardy and they make the kitchen smell exactly the way a functioning kitchen should. My dad would probably say “good” about these too, and right now, that’s enough.

Baked French Toast Muffins

Prep Time: 10 minutes | Cook Time: 20 minutes | Total Time: 30 minutes | Servings: 12 muffins

Ingredients

• 6 slices bread, cut into 1-inch cubes (day-old works best)
• 3 large eggs
• 3/4 cup milk
• 2 tablespoons maple syrup or honey
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
• Pinch of salt
• 1 tablespoon butter, melted (for greasing pan)
• Powdered sugar and maple syrup, for serving

Instructions

1. Preheat oven. Heat your oven to 350°F. Grease a standard 12-cup muffin tin generously with melted butter or cooking spray.
2. Make the custard. In a large bowl, whisk together the eggs, milk, maple syrup, vanilla extract, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt until well combined.
3. Add the bread. Add the bread cubes to the custard mixture and gently fold to coat. Let them sit for 3–5 minutes so the bread absorbs the liquid.
4. Fill the muffin tin. Spoon the soaked bread mixture evenly into the prepared muffin cups, pressing down lightly so each cup is full and compact.
5. Bake. Bake for 18–22 minutes, until the tops are golden brown and the centers are set. A toothpick inserted in the center should come out clean.
6. Cool briefly and serve. Let the muffins rest in the tin for 5 minutes, then run a butter knife around the edges and lift them out. Dust with powdered sugar and serve warm with maple syrup.

Nutrition (per serving)

Calories: 95 | Protein: 4g | Fat: 3g | Carbs: 13g | Fiber: 1g | Sodium: 115mg