By Birthday week. I turn twenty-three on Saturday — March 3rd. Last year I turned twenty-two in a dorm room in DeKalb and ate lemon cake alone after a Nar-Anon meeting. This year I am in Oak Lawn with a job and an apartment and a cast iron skillet and some level of peace about things. The difference between those two birthdays is everything that has happened in between, which is a lot. It feels like a lot, looking back.
Patty is planning the birthday dinner. She asked what I wanted three times over the past week, which means she already knows what I want but wants the satisfaction of being asked. I said: whatever you want to make. She said "I'll make the ziti." Of course she will. She always makes the ziti for birthdays. It is the right call every single time.
I have been thinking about Jess again this week — not with the sharp acute grief of the first year, but with this quality of: she would have had opinions about all of this. The apartment in Pilsen. The teaching job. The blog. She would have said something sharp and funny and correct. She would have helped me paint the apartment and eaten the takeout we ordered and stayed until two in the morning talking about nothing important. That is one of the specific shapes of her absence. The things she would have done.
Made lemon bars this week, for the birthday. My own variation: lemon curd on a shortbread base, made from scratch, tart and dense and covered in powdered sugar. Patty tasted one and said "These are very good." Babcia Rose tasted one and said "Too much sugar on top." I used the same amount of sugar as always. We both know this. I dusted less sugar on her piece next time and she said nothing, which meant it was fine. You learn the dialect eventually.
So here’s the recipe for the lemon bars I made this week — the ones that earned a “very good” from Patty and a powdered-sugar negotiation with Babcia Rose. They’re tart and dense and not at all complicated, which is what I wanted for this birthday. Something I could make slowly on a Tuesday night in my own kitchen, in my own apartment, with the cast iron skillet drying on the stove and nowhere I needed to be.
Birthday Week Lemon Bars
Prep Time: 20 minutes | Cook Time: 40 minutes | Total Time: 1 hour + cooling | Servings: 12 bars
Ingredients
Shortbread Base:
- 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
- 1/2 cup powdered sugar
- 2 cups all-purpose flour
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
Lemon Curd Filling:
- 4 large eggs
- 1 and 1/2 cups granulated sugar
- 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
- 2/3 cup fresh lemon juice (about 4–5 lemons)
- 2 tablespoons lemon zest
Topping:
- Powdered sugar, for dusting (adjust to your audience)
Instructions
- Preheat and prep. Preheat oven to 350°F. Line a 9x13-inch baking pan with parchment paper, leaving overhang on the sides for easy removal. Lightly grease the parchment.
- Make the shortbread base. In a large bowl, cream the softened butter and 1/2 cup powdered sugar together until smooth. Add the flour and salt, mixing until the dough just comes together and looks crumbly. Press the dough evenly into the bottom of the prepared pan.
- Bake the crust. Bake the shortbread base for 18–20 minutes, until the edges are just barely golden. Remove from the oven but leave the oven on.
- Make the lemon curd filling. While the crust bakes, whisk together the eggs, granulated sugar, and 1/3 cup flour until smooth. Add the lemon juice and lemon zest and whisk until fully combined.
- Pour and bake. Pour the lemon filling over the hot crust. Return the pan to the oven and bake for 20–22 minutes, until the filling is set and no longer jiggles in the center.
- Cool completely. Let the bars cool in the pan at room temperature, then refrigerate for at least 1 hour. They cut much cleaner when cold.
- Dust and serve. Use the parchment overhang to lift the bars out of the pan. Cut into 12 bars and dust generously with powdered sugar right before serving.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 310 | Protein: 4g | Fat: 16g | Carbs: 40g | Fiber: 0g | Sodium: 75mg