Chai Butternut Squash Pancakes — The Kitchen as the Only Room That Matters

The kitchen is the room I live in. The other rooms are storage for memories — the dining room with its china cabinet, the living room with Paul's shipwreck books, the upstairs bedrooms where the kids grew up and which I have not entered (except to dust) in years. The kitchen is where the present happens. The kitchen is where the food is made and the dog is fed and the morning begins and the evening ends. The kitchen is the entire territory of my daily life now, and I find that this is enough. Karin and I talked Sunday. Stockholm in winter is dark. Duluth in winter is dark. We compared darknesses. We laughed. Karin said: "Linda, do you remember the time Pappa drove us to Two Harbors in a blizzard because Mamma wanted lutefisk?" I said yes. The story unspooled across the phone for twenty minutes. I had forgotten half of it. Karin remembered all of it. The memory was, briefly, complete between us. Mamma's hands shake more than they did last month. I do not point it out. I notice. I notice everything. The shake is small — barely visible when she is at rest, more visible when she lifts her coffee cup, most visible when she is trying to thread a needle. She still threads needles. She still bakes. She still calls me on Tuesdays at 10. The hands shake. The shaking does not stop the doing. The doing is what Mamma is. I cooked Wild rice soup this week. The Thursday constant. Thursday at the Damiano Center: I made an extra pot of pea soup, the way Mamma taught me — yellow split peas, ham hock, onion, the whole of Sunday afternoon dedicated to its slow simmer. Gerald said, "Variety. We approve." The regulars approved too. One older woman ate three bowls and asked if she could take some home. I sent her home with a quart in a glass jar. She is bringing the jar back next Thursday. We have an arrangement. I walked to the lake on Saturday. I stood at the spot where Paul and I used to walk — the bench at the end of the lakefront trail, the one with the brass plaque about a different Paul who died in 1972. I told my Paul about the week. About the kids. About the dog. About the soup. I do not feel foolish doing this. The lake is patient. The lake has, in some real sense, become my husband by proxy. I would not have predicted this in 1988. It has turned out to be true anyway. It is enough. It has to be. And on a morning like this, with the lake doing what the lake does and the dog at my feet and the bread on the counter and the kitchen warm enough to live in, it is. I have come to think that grief is not a problem to be solved. Grief is a country. You move into it. You learn its language. You make a life there. You do not leave the country, but you also do not spend every minute thinking about the fact that you live in it. You make breakfast. You walk the dog. You write a blog post. The country is the country. You live there now. It is enough.

Thursday is soup. But Saturday morning — the morning after I walked to the lake and told Paul about the week — is pancakes. I needed something that asked something of me: the peeling, the roasting, the measuring of spices. Chai Butternut Squash Pancakes are that kind of recipe. They are slow enough to be meditative and warm enough to make the kitchen feel, for a little while, like the whole world is in order. The dog sat at my feet the entire time I made them. That felt right.

Chai Butternut Squash Pancakes

Prep Time: 15 min | Cook Time: 20 min | Total Time: 35 min | Servings: 4 (about 12 pancakes)

Ingredients

• 1 cup butternut squash puree (roasted and mashed, or canned)
• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt
• 1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cardamom
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper
• 2 large eggs
• 1 cup whole milk (or oat milk)
• 2 tablespoons pure maple syrup, plus more for serving
• 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted, plus more for the pan
• 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Instructions

1. Prepare the squash. If roasting fresh: halve a small butternut squash, brush with oil, and roast cut-side down at 400°F for 40–45 minutes until very tender. Scoop out 1 cup of flesh and mash until smooth. Let cool slightly. Canned pumpkin puree works as a direct substitute.
2. Mix the dry ingredients. In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, ginger, cardamom, cloves, and black pepper until evenly combined.
3. Mix the wet ingredients. In a separate bowl, whisk together the butternut squash puree, eggs, milk, maple syrup, melted butter, and vanilla extract until smooth.
4. Combine. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and stir gently until just combined. Do not overmix — a few lumps are fine. Let the batter rest for 5 minutes while the pan heats.
5. Cook the pancakes. Heat a non-stick skillet or griddle over medium heat. Melt a small knob of butter and swirl to coat. Pour about 1/4 cup of batter per pancake onto the surface. Cook until bubbles form across the surface and the edges look set, about 2–3 minutes. Flip and cook another 1–2 minutes until cooked through and lightly golden. Adjust heat as needed between batches.
6. Serve. Stack pancakes and serve immediately with warm maple syrup, a pat of butter, or a dollop of plain yogurt. A pinch of extra cinnamon on top does not hurt anything.

Nutrition (per serving)

Calories: 310 | Protein: 9g | Fat: 10g | Carbs: 47g | Fiber: 3g | Sodium: 380mg