By One week to March third. The third anniversary. This one feels different from the first two—not smaller, not further away, but different in texture, the way the grief has changed in three years from a wound to a scar to a permanent feature of the landscape that you navigate around without thinking about navigating. I know where Marcus is in my life now: he is in the mac and cheese, in the empty chair, in the Tuesday dinner, in every plate I hand to someone who is hungry. He is in CJ's engagement and in Destiny's upcoming wedding and in Shanice's cornbread and in everything good that this family has done and will do in the world. He is not in the past. He is in the present. He will be in the future. I am getting better at understanding this.
Dr. Langley asked me this week if I was afraid of March third. I thought about it for a while and I said: no. Not afraid. Reverent, maybe. The way you are reverent toward a day that is terrible and holy simultaneously, the way the Good Friday service is terrible and holy, the way the grief is terrible and the love underneath it is holy and you can't have one without the other. I go to March third with reverence. I cook Marcus's food with reverence. I set his place with reverence. The day is not something to get through. The day is something to inhabit, fully, the way you inhabit a cathedral—with your whole self, with your hands in the posture of prayer, with your eyes open to what is there rather than closed against what isn't.
The dish I keep coming back to for Tuesday dinners — for the nights when I need to feed a table full of people who are grieving and hungry and alive all at once — is this Cheesy Deluxe Pizza Pasta. It is not a quiet food. It is loud and warm and it fills the kitchen with a smell that pulls everyone to the table without asking twice, which is exactly what Marcus would have wanted. I make it with my whole self, the way you bring your whole self to a cathedral, and I watch it disappear plate by plate and I know that is where he is.
Cheesy Deluxe Pizza Pasta
Prep Time: 15 minutes | Cook Time: 35 minutes | Total Time: 50 minutes | Servings: 8
Ingredients
- 1 lb rotini or penne pasta
- 1 lb ground beef or Italian sausage
- 1 medium onion, diced
- 1 green bell pepper, diced
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 1 can (24 oz) marinara or pizza sauce
- 1 can (14.5 oz) diced tomatoes, drained
- 1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
- 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
- 1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes (optional)
- 1 cup sliced pepperoni, divided
- 1/2 cup sliced black olives
- 2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese, divided
- 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
- Salt and black pepper to taste
Instructions
- Preheat and prep. Preheat your oven to 375°F. Grease a 9x13-inch baking dish and set aside.
- Cook the pasta. Boil pasta in salted water according to package directions until just al dente, about 1 to 2 minutes less than the package suggests. Drain and set aside.
- Brown the meat. In a large skillet over medium-high heat, cook the ground beef or sausage with the onion and bell pepper, breaking the meat apart as it cooks, until browned through, about 7 to 8 minutes. Drain excess fat. Add the minced garlic and cook 1 minute more.
- Build the sauce. Stir in the marinara sauce, diced tomatoes, Italian seasoning, garlic powder, and red pepper flakes if using. Season with salt and pepper. Simmer over medium-low heat for 5 minutes to meld the flavors.
- Combine. Add the drained pasta to the skillet and stir to coat everything evenly in the sauce. Fold in half the pepperoni, the black olives, and 1 cup of the mozzarella.
- Assemble. Transfer the mixture to the prepared baking dish. Spread evenly. Top with the remaining 1 cup of mozzarella, the Parmesan, and the remaining pepperoni slices.
- Bake. Bake uncovered for 20 to 25 minutes, until the cheese is melted, bubbly, and golden at the edges.
- Rest and serve. Let the dish rest 5 minutes before serving so it holds together on the plate. Serve with crusty bread or a simple green salad.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 520 | Protein: 28g | Fat: 22g | Carbs: 52g | Fiber: 4g | Sodium: 980mg