By February approaches and I can feel it in my body — a tightening, a brace. Reynaldo died in February. 2008. Nine years ago next month. The anniversary moves through me like weather — I can't stop it, can't redirect it, can only dress for it and stand in it until it passes. Dr. Reeves and I have been preparing. Extra sessions. Adjusted coping strategies. The acknowledgment that grief has a calendar and the calendar doesn't care about my boundaries.
I spent this weekend cooking proactively — stocking the freezer the way Alaskans stock firewood before a storm. Pork adobo, portioned and frozen. Arroz caldo, in quart containers. Lumpia, wrapped and raw, fifty of them lined up on a sheet pan. These are my provisions. When February's grief arrives, I want the food ready so I don't have to cook from scratch on the days when standing is the most I can manage.
I also made maja blanca — Filipino coconut pudding. It's a fiesta dessert, usually, bright white and studded with corn kernels, the coconut milk set with cornstarch into a firm, creamy square topped with latik — coconut milk solids fried until golden, crunchy, toasted. Maja blanca is sweet and mild and the kind of dessert that feels like kindness on a plate — no sharp edges, no complexity, just coconut and sweetness and the small yellow nuggets of latik that shatter between your teeth.
I made it because Reynaldo loved it. He'd eat three squares and call them "small." Lourdes would cut them larger and he'd still eat three. It was their routine — she'd cook, he'd overeat, she'd scold, he'd smile. The routine was love expressed in portion sizes and complaints, the way love is expressed in the Santos household, which is to say: loudly, through food, with no regard for blood sugar levels or nutritional advice.
The maja blanca set in the fridge overnight. I cut it into squares in the morning, scattered the latik on top, and ate one for breakfast, which is not a traditional breakfast food but I am a grown woman with PTSD and a dead father and if I want coconut pudding at 8 AM, that is between me and my nutritional choices. It was good. It was sweet. It tasted like Reynaldo sitting at the Mountain View table saying "small" while holding a piece the size of his hand. February is coming. I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
The maja blanca was for Reynaldo—that recipe lives in memory and muscle and I’m not sharing it here, because some things are just mine. But the coconut stayed on my mind all weekend, the way it does when a flavor becomes tangled up with a person. This coconut and cashew granola is what I’m leaving you with instead: it’s not a Filipino fiesta dessert, but it has that same mild sweetness, that same toasted coconut warmth that feels like kindness rather than complexity. I made a batch alongside everything else, because February mornings need something you can eat standing at the counter without having to think too hard.
Coconut and Cashew Granola
Prep Time: 10 minutes | Cook Time: 30 minutes | Total Time: 40 minutes | Servings: 10
Ingredients
- 3 cups old-fashioned rolled oats
- 1 cup raw cashews, roughly chopped
- 1 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
- 1/4 cup coconut oil, melted
- 1/3 cup honey or maple syrup
- 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt
- 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Instructions
- Preheat. Heat your oven to 325°F and line a large rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper.
- Mix dry ingredients. In a large bowl, combine the rolled oats, chopped cashews, shredded coconut, salt, and cinnamon. Stir until evenly distributed.
- Add wet ingredients. Pour the melted coconut oil, honey (or maple syrup), and vanilla extract over the oat mixture. Stir well until everything is coated and no dry patches remain.
- Spread and bake. Spread the granola in an even layer on the prepared baking sheet, pressing it gently together in some spots if you want clusters. Bake for 25—30 minutes, stirring once halfway through, until the granola is golden and fragrant.
- Cool completely. Remove from the oven and let the granola cool on the pan without stirring—this allows clusters to form. Once fully cool, break into pieces and transfer to an airtight container.
- Store. Keeps at room temperature for up to 2 weeks, or freeze in a sealed bag for up to 2 months.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 290 | Protein: 5g | Fat: 16g | Carbs: 33g | Fiber: 3g | Sodium: 60mg