Espresso Black Bottom Pie

Noah turned two in March but we didn't do a party — we didn't do anything for anyone in those weeks, the weeks that were all one long January — so this Saturday I made a cake. Not a bakery cake, not a Pinterest cake, just a box of yellow cake mix and a can of chocolate frosting and two candles because the store only had number candles and they didn't have a two so I used a one and a one and told Noah it was the same thing. He's two. He didn't care. He stuck both hands into the frosting before I could cut a slice and grinned at me with chocolate on his nose and I laughed — a real laugh, the kind that comes from somewhere below your ribs — and it surprised me so much I almost stopped.

The other kids sang. Ethan held Noah on his lap and let Noah smear frosting on his shirt without flinching, and I watched my oldest hold my youngest and the math hit me again — the math that always hits me — because Noah is the youngest now and he wasn't supposed to be. Grace was supposed to be the youngest. Grace was supposed to be here, five months old, in a high chair, watching her brother eat cake. The math is a door I keep walking into in a dark hallway. I know it's there. I hit it anyway.

But the cake was good. Box mix is good. I don't care what anyone says about scratch baking — when you're a mother of five running on four hours of sleep and the kind of grief that makes your bones heavy, a box of Duncan Hines and a can of frosting is not a shortcut. It's a lifeline. You add oil, you add eggs, you add water, you stir, you bake, you frost, and your two-year-old gets a birthday cake, and that is enough. That is more than enough.

Sunday at church the Relief Society president asked if I wanted to help with the Mother's Day program. I said yes before I thought about it, and then I thought about it, and the thinking made my chest tight in the way that Dr. Kimball says is anxiety and that I've always called being responsible. Mother's Day. Two weeks. I will sit in a chapel and someone will talk about the divine calling of motherhood and I will think about Grace and I will smile because that's what I do. I smile. I made a cake from a box and my son is two and I smiled and it was real, and then the math came, and I smiled through that too, and nobody could tell the difference. I'm getting very good at the difference.

I didn’t set out to make something this involved—but after Liam’s birthday cake, I needed a project that would keep my hands busy and my mind quiet for a few hours. This Espresso Black Bottom Pie is the kind of recipe that doesn’t rush you; it asks you to chill, wait, fold, and be patient, and right now patience with myself is the thing I’m practicing most. Besides, when you’re running on four hours of sleep, a pie built on espresso and chocolate feels less like dessert and more like solidarity.

Prep Time: 4 hrs | Cook Time: 30 min | Total Time: 4 hrs 30 min | Servings: 8

Ingredients

Crust:

1 teaspoon cold unsalted butter
3 cups Oreo cookie crumbs (about 3/4 of a 15.5 ounce package)
1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted

Chocolate Mousse:

1/2 cup unsalted butter
3/4 cup sugar
2 large eggs
2 tablespoons heavy cream
8 ounces semisweet chocolate chips, melted
1 teaspoon vanilla

Espresso Cream:

6 tablespoons sugar
1 1/2 tablespoons cornstarch
2 large egg yolks
1 1/2 cups whole milk, divided
1 teaspoon unflavored gelatin
2 tablespoons cold water
6 tablespoons ground espresso beans (or 2 tablespoons instant espresso powder)
1 cup heavy cream

Instructions

Preheat oven. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
Make the crust. Butter a 9-inch deep dish pie plate with the cold butter. In a food processor, pulverize the Oreos into crumbs. Pour crumbs into a mixing bowl and add the melted butter, stirring until fully combined. Pour the crumbs and butter mixture into the pie plate and press to evenly spread the crumbs across the bottom of the plate and up the sides. Press the crumbs firmly in place. Bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes. Remove from the oven, let cool and refrigerate.
Make the mousse. In a mixing bowl, cream the butter and sugar with an electric mixer until light and fluffy. Add the eggs and mix until just blended. Add in the cream, cooled melted chocolate, and vanilla and mix until smooth. Pour into the chilled pie crust and then chill for one hour.
Prep the espresso cream components. In a small bowl, whisk together the sugar and corn starch and set aside. In a second small bowl, whisk together the egg yolks and 1/2 cup of the milk. Set aside. In a third small bowl, combine the gelatin and water. (Stir if necessary so that the gelatin fully dissolves.) Set aside.
Heat the espresso milk. In a small saucepan, combine the remaining 1 1/4 cups milk and the espresso. Heat over medium high heat just until small bubbles start to form around the edges of the milk—but do not allow the milk to boil. If you are using espresso beans, strain the mixture (it’s ok if some of the espresso bean grinds remain but you want to strain out most of them). If you are using the instant espresso, no straining is necessary.
Cook the custard. Whisk the sugar and cornstarch mixture into the hot milk mixture. Add a few tablespoons of the milk mixture at a time into the egg mixture to warm it up (this is called tempering and it will prevent the eggs from cooking and turning into scrambled eggs!); then add the egg mixture to the rest of the milk mixture in the pan. Cook the milk-egg mixture on medium heat until it thickens up slightly (about 2-3 minutes). Add the gelatin mixture and stir well until the gelatin is fully dissolved.
Cool the custard. Remove the pan from the heat and pour into a bowl. Place this bowl over a larger bowl of ice water (called an ice bath) and stir constantly to cool and thicken some more (do not allow any of the ice water to get into the milk mixture). Keep stirring every few minutes to keep the mixture smooth.
Fold in whipped cream. In a large bowl, whip the heavy cream until stiff peaks form (being careful not to over whip the cream). Fold the espresso cream and whipped cream together until incorporated. Refrigerate about 30 minutes until cold.
Assemble and chill. Pour the espresso cream mixture over the mousse in the prepared pie crust and chill for 2 hours to set up before serving. (May be refrigerated overnight as well.)

Nutrition (per serving)

Espresso Black Bottom Pie — When Sleep Is a Memory and Coffee Becomes the Whole Point