By Dr. Perkins asked me to do something this week. She called it a "small goal" which is therapist language for "I can see you haven't left the house in four days and I'm concerned." The goal was to cook one meal. Not a good meal. Not a fancy meal. Just a meal. Something that required more than opening a wrapper. She said it like it was nothing. She doesn't know that cooking used to be the thing I did when everything else was noise — the one place my hands knew what to do. She doesn't know that the last thing I planned to cook was lentil soup on September 14 and the lentils are still on a desk in DeKalb and I can't think about lentils without hearing a phone ring.
I didn't cook Monday. Or Tuesday. I lay on my bed and listened to Mom's shoes on the kitchen floor below me — the shuffle-click of her flats, the opening and closing of cabinets, the sounds of a woman who has never once in her life not known what to make for dinner. Wednesday, Dad came home early with his bad knee face and Mom made pork chops and I came downstairs and sat at the table because that's the rule. You sit at the table. You eat what's in front of you. Kowalczyk family law.
Thursday I made eggs. Scrambled eggs. I stood at the stove at two in the afternoon when Mom was at work and Dad was on a job and the house was empty and I cracked three eggs into a bowl and whisked them with a fork and poured them into a pan with butter. I added salt. I stirred them slowly, the way I like, so they come out soft and almost custard-like instead of rubbery. I put them on a plate. I sat at the kitchen table and ate them. They tasted like eggs. They tasted like something. I cried into the plate, which is not a recipe step I'd recommend, but it happened and I'm not going to pretend it didn't.
I told Dr. Perkins on Friday. She said, "That's good. That's real progress." I said, "I cried into scrambled eggs." She said, "You also made scrambled eggs." She has a point. I hate that she has a point.
Nar-Anon again Saturday morning. Rita was there — the woman who lost her son. She sat next to me this time. She didn't say anything. She just sat there, holding her Styrofoam coffee cup, and when the meeting was over she said, "Same time next week?" I said yes. I said yes the way I said yes to Babcia Rose's soup. Because someone is offering and the only thing I can do right now is accept what's offered and keep showing up.
The scrambled eggs I made that Tuesday weren’t special—no herbs, no cheese, nothing to write home about. But they were mine, and I made them, and that turned out to matter more than I expected. If you’re somewhere like I was—where the goal is just to eat something you made yourself—this is the recipe: low heat, slow movement, don’t rush it.
Soft Scrambled Eggs
Prep Time: 2 minutes | Cook Time: 5 minutes | Total Time: 7 minutes | Servings: 1
Ingredients
- 3 large eggs
- 1 tablespoon unsalted butter
- 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt, or to taste
- Pinch of black pepper (optional)
Instructions
- Crack and whisk. Crack 3 eggs into a bowl. Add salt. Whisk with a fork until the yolks and whites are fully combined and the mixture looks pale and a little frothy — about 30 seconds of steady whisking.
- Heat the pan low. Set a small nonstick skillet over low to medium-low heat. Add the butter and let it melt slowly. Don’t rush this. When the butter is melted and just barely starting to foam, you’re ready.
- Pour and go slow. Pour the eggs into the pan. Let them sit undisturbed for about 20 seconds, then begin stirring gently with a rubber spatula, pushing the eggs from the edges toward the center. Keep the heat low. Slow is the whole point here.
- Pull early. Keep stirring slowly and folding the eggs every few seconds. When they look almost set but still slightly glossy and wet — not dry, not rubbery — pull the pan off the heat. The residual heat will finish the job.
- Plate and eat. Slide the eggs onto a plate. Add black pepper if you want it. Sit down at the table. Eat them while they’re warm.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 265 | Protein: 18g | Fat: 21g | Carbs: 1g | Fiber: 0g | Sodium: 420mg