By I ate Mama's collard greens for three days. Standing at the counter each time, not sitting, because sitting at the table means looking at the chair where Marcus sat and looking at the chair is something I cannot do yet. Standing is how I eat now. Standing is the compromise between not eating and eating normally, and compromise is the only territory I can occupy in this grief — not healed, not destroyed, just standing. Standing at the counter. Eating greens. Surviving.
Calvin noticed. He did not say anything about the eating because Calvin has learned in the weeks since March 3rd that saying the wrong thing is worse than saying nothing, and he does not always know which things are wrong, so he chooses nothing more often than he used to. But he saw me eating. I saw him see me. And the seeing was enough. A husband who sees his wife eat after five weeks of not eating does not need to comment. The seeing is the comment. The relief in his eyes is the response.
I went to the grocery store on Thursday. Not to cook. Not to shop with purpose. I went because the refrigerator was empty and because a woman who stands at a counter eating leftover collard greens needs to replace the collard greens when they are gone. I walked through the aisles the way a ghost walks through a house — present but not fully there, visible but not solid. I bought greens. I bought rice. I bought chicken broth. I bought bread. Simple things. Things that require almost no cooking. Things that a woman who has forgotten how to use a stove can assemble without turning on a burner.
Destiny called Thursday night and I told her I went to the grocery store and she was quiet for a moment and then she said Mama, that is good. That is the right word. Not great. Not wonderful. Good. Like a doctor telling you the patient is stable. Not recovered. Stable. Good is the word for a woman who has gone to the grocery store six weeks after her son died. Good is the plateau between the abyss and the climb. I will take good.
I made rice on Friday. Just rice. White rice in a pot on the stove. I turned on the burner for the first time in six weeks and the click of the igniter was the loudest sound I have ever heard, louder than the phone that rang on March 3rd, louder than Calvin's voice saying my name, because the click was the sound of something starting, and starting is terrifying when you are not sure you want to go where the starting leads. But the rice cooked. The kitchen smelled like something other than nothing. And I ate the rice standing at the counter and the rice tasted like the beginning of something I cannot name. Not healing. Not cooking. Something before both. Something like breathing with intention. Something like choosing to be alive.
The rice I made on that Friday was not a recipe. It was just rice — water, heat, waiting. But when I thought about what I would make next, when the idea of cooking felt like something I might survive again, it was this: rice and greens together, in one pot, on one burner, the way Mama used to do it when things were hard. The chicken broth I bought on Thursday is in there. The greens are in there. It is almost nothing, and almost nothing is exactly the right amount for where I am.
Simple White Rice and Collard Greens
Prep Time: 10 minutes | Cook Time: 35 minutes | Total Time: 45 minutes | Servings: 4
Ingredients
- 1 bunch fresh collard greens (about 1 lb), stems removed, leaves roughly chopped
- 1 cup long-grain white rice, rinsed
- 2 cups low-sodium chicken broth
- 1 cup water
- 1 tablespoon olive oil or butter
- 3 cloves garlic, minced
- 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt, plus more to taste
- 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
- 1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes (optional)
- 1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar
Instructions
- Prepare the greens. Rinse collard greens under cold water. Remove the tough center stems by folding each leaf in half and pulling or cutting the stem away. Stack the leaves and cut into rough 1-inch strips or tear by hand. Set aside.
- Soften the garlic. In a large heavy-bottomed pot or Dutch oven, heat olive oil over medium heat. Add the minced garlic and cook for about 1 minute, stirring, until fragrant but not browned.
- Cook the greens. Add the chopped collard greens to the pot in batches if needed, turning to coat in the oil. Pour in 1 cup of the chicken broth and the water. Add salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes if using. Bring to a gentle boil, then reduce heat to medium-low. Cover and cook for 20 minutes, until greens are tender and have wilted down significantly.
- Add the rice. Stir in the rinsed white rice and the remaining 1 cup of chicken broth. Increase heat to bring the liquid back to a simmer, then reduce to low. Cover tightly and cook for 15 minutes, or until the rice has absorbed the liquid and is cooked through.
- Finish and rest. Remove the pot from heat. Let it sit, covered, for 5 minutes. Stir in the apple cider vinegar, taste, and adjust salt as needed. The vinegar brightens the greens the way Mama always did it.
- Serve. Serve warm, straight from the pot. A bowl is fine. Standing at the counter is fine too.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 235 | Protein: 7g | Fat: 5g | Carbs: 42g | Fiber: 4g | Sodium: 340mg