By I went back today. Three months of leave, twenty-four therapy sessions, one PTSD diagnosis, countless bowls of sinigang and adobo and arroz caldo eaten standing over the sink — and today I walked back through the automatic doors at Providence Alaska Medical Center and the smell hit me first. That particular hospital smell: antiseptic and recycled air and something underneath that might be fear or might be fluorescence. My body remembered before my brain caught up. My heart rate spiked. My hands went cold. I stood in the hallway for thirty seconds, breathing the way Dr. Reeves taught me — four counts in, hold for four, out for four — and then I put on my badge and walked into the ER.
The first shift was twelve hours. Twelve hours of the thing I've done for six years but am doing differently now, with boundaries I didn't have before. No more than three shifts a week. Therapy continues — twice a week, no negotiation. No bringing work home, which means no lying in bed replaying the cases I couldn't save, no calling the charge nurse at 2 AM to check on the patient in Bay 7. The ER stays in the ER. I stay in myself. This is the new rule and it sounds simple and it is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do.
My colleagues were good about it. They didn't make it a thing. Sarah said, "Welcome back, Santos," and handed me a chart. Pete nodded from Trauma 2. The new resident asked me to help with an IV and didn't know I'd been gone at all, which was oddly comforting — proof that the world kept spinning while I was on the floor, and it will keep spinning whether I'm here or not. This thought used to terrify me. Now it feels like freedom.
I came home after the shift and made garlic fried rice — sinangag. The simplest Filipino dish there is: day-old rice broken apart with your fingers, fried in oil with minced garlic until the garlic is golden and the rice is crispy at the edges. It takes ten minutes. It requires nothing but rice, garlic, oil, and the willingness to stand at a stove when your body wants to collapse. I ate it with a fried egg on top and the yolk ran into the garlic rice and it was midnight and I was exhausted and I was upright and I was okay.
The first shift is done. Tomorrow I'm off. The day after, I go back. This is the rhythm now — work, rest, cook, therapy, repeat. It's not the adrenaline rhythm of before. It's slower, deliberate, like a heartbeat you're consciously controlling instead of letting it run wild. I prefer it. I think I'll learn to trust it.
Sinangag has always been what I make when I don’t know what else to do — it asks almost nothing of you and gives back something that feels like home. That night after my first shift, standing at the stove at midnight with garlic hitting hot oil and the smell filling my apartment, it wasn’t really about the food; it was about proving I could still do the simple things, the quiet things, the things that only require showing up. If you want to make it yourself, here’s exactly how I do it.
Sinangag (Filipino Garlic Fried Rice)
Prep Time: 5 minutes | Cook Time: 10 minutes | Total Time: 15 minutes | Servings: 2
Ingredients
- 3 cups day-old cooked white rice, cold (jasmine or long-grain)
- 6 cloves garlic, minced (about 3 tablespoons)
- 3 tablespoons neutral oil (vegetable or canola)
- 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt, plus more to taste
- 1/4 teaspoon ground white pepper
- 2 eggs, for frying (optional but recommended)
- 1 teaspoon soy sauce (optional, for added depth)
- Sliced green onions, for garnish (optional)
Instructions
- Break apart the rice. Using your fingers or a fork, break the cold rice into individual grains as much as possible. Cold day-old rice works best here — it fries up crispy instead of clumping and steaming.
- Bloom the garlic. Heat the oil in a large skillet or wok over medium heat. Add the minced garlic and cook, stirring constantly, for 2 to 3 minutes until the garlic turns pale golden and fragrant. Watch carefully — garlic goes from golden to burnt quickly.
- Add the rice. Increase heat to medium-high. Add the cold rice to the pan, spreading it out in an even layer over the garlic oil. Let it sit undisturbed for 1 to 2 minutes so the bottom layer crisps, then toss and press again. Repeat 2 to 3 times over 4 to 5 minutes until the rice is heated through and crispy at the edges.
- Season. Add the salt, white pepper, and soy sauce if using. Toss to distribute evenly. Taste and adjust salt as needed.
- Fry the eggs. In a separate small skillet, fry eggs in a little oil over medium heat to your preference — sunny side up, with a runny yolk, is traditional. The yolk breaks over the rice and becomes part of the dish.
- Serve. Plate the sinangag and top with the fried egg. Garnish with green onions if desired. Eat immediately, ideally while standing at the counter at midnight, knowing you made it through the day.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 420 | Protein: 9g | Fat: 18g | Carbs: 58g | Fiber: 1g | Sodium: 480mg