By Grace's fifth anniversary. January 14th, a Wednesday, and she would have been six years old. Old enough for kindergarten, old enough to lose a tooth, old enough to have a best friend and a favorite color and opinions about everything. I let myself imagine her at six with complete specificity this year — the things I know from her two days with us, extrapolated forward through five years of watching her siblings grow. She would have been fierce, I think. She would have known exactly what she wanted and said it clearly.
Gary and I went to the cemetery. Different cold this year — drizzling, grey, the kind of January day that asks nothing of you. We stood and said things out loud that we don't always say. We've gotten better at this over the years, better at being in the grief together rather than separately. The therapy helped. The years helped. The practice of showing up on this day, every year, has helped.
I cooked all day. The lasagna I always make, the bread, the cookies. Olivia sat with me again this year, as she has for the last several years. She's sixteen now and she said, "I was thinking about her today on the way home from school." I said, "I was thinking about her too." She said, "I think that's good. That we still do." I said, "I know it's good."
Five years. Five years of building something from what her absence left. I think she would have been proud of me. I think that's allowed.
The cookies are always last — after the lasagna, after the bread, when the kitchen has been warm for hours and Olivia and I have run out of things to fill the silence and stopped needing to. I started making these brown butter chocolate chip cookies the second year, because browning the butter asks you to pay attention, to stand there and watch and not walk away, and that felt right for this day. The smell of it — nutty, deep, a little caramelized — is Grace’s anniversary to me now as much as the grey January light is.
Brown Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies
Prep Time: 20 min | Cook Time: 12 min | Total Time: 1 hr (includes chilling) | Servings: 24 cookies
Ingredients
- 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter
- 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 teaspoon fine sea salt
- 3/4 cup granulated sugar
- 3/4 cup packed light brown sugar
- 2 large eggs, room temperature
- 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
- 2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
- Flaky sea salt, for finishing (optional)
Instructions
- Brown the butter. Melt butter in a light-colored saucepan over medium heat, stirring frequently. Continue cooking until the foam subsides and the milk solids turn golden and smell nutty, about 5–7 minutes. Pour into a large mixing bowl and let cool for 10 minutes.
- Whisk the sugars and eggs. Add granulated sugar and brown sugar to the browned butter and whisk until combined. Add eggs one at a time, whisking well after each. Add vanilla and whisk until the mixture is smooth and slightly ribbony, about 1 minute.
- Combine dry ingredients. In a separate bowl, whisk together flour, baking soda, and salt. Add to the butter mixture and fold with a rubber spatula until just combined — do not overmix.
- Fold in chocolate chips. Stir in chocolate chips until evenly distributed. Cover the bowl and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes (up to 48 hours for deeper flavor).
- Preheat and portion. When ready to bake, preheat oven to 375°F (190°C). Line two baking sheets with parchment paper. Scoop dough into 1 1/2-tablespoon balls and place 2 inches apart.
- Bake. Bake for 10–12 minutes, until the edges are set and golden but the centers still look slightly underdone. They will firm as they cool.
- Finish and cool. Immediately sprinkle with flaky sea salt if using. Let cookies rest on the baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 210 | Protein: 2g | Fat: 11g | Carbs: 27g | Fiber: 1g | Sodium: 115mg